President Biden expressed shock when he was told that Alexei Navalny was murdered in Russia. President Biden was shocked again when a handler told him who Navalny was. “He was that guy…did that thing…folks that’s not right.” When Biden was pressed on whether he thought Putin was responsible for Navalny’s murder, he said, “Abshaluttily sumavitch!”

After that outburst, the President was very clear about what Navalny should have done to protect himself. “I woulda taken a length of chain and wrapped it around my fist, just like I did with Corn Pop. Putin comes for me and I’d wrap that chain around his neck.” The President further added, “If that didn’t work he shoulda taken a straight razor and soaked it in a rain barrel to get it good and rusty, then bang it on the curb. No one comes after a man with a rusty straight razor…unless they have a chain.”

When the President was asked if murder was the appropriate way to handle political opponents, the President said, “Hell, no. Murder’s always the last resort. I tell people that all the time but they don’t always listen. Hillary wouldn’t listen. No, no, what you gotta do is Trump up charges. Take them to court. Tie them up. Bankrupt them.” Then after a ten second blank stare the President added, “You can always pull an Epstein later.”

As the President was led away he was heard to mumble, “Did you hear me say Trump up? Good one, huh? Who says I’ve got dermatitis?” “That’s dementia, sir,” his handler replied.