After floating a trial balloon to assess citizen support for more sanctions on Russia, the Biden Administration found little interest in more meaningless actions.

“If sanctions worked, Russia would be out of Ukraine,” Fred Mertz said, as he boarded up the windows of his Portland bagel shop. “If you want my vote, try sanctioning the people who keep breaking my windows.” When his wife Ethel was asked if she supported Biden’s 500 sanctions, she barely paused in her effort to scrub “ACAB” off their front door, and responded sarcastically. “I support number 207, but I’m less sure about 52 and 401.”

Frustrated that the President’s sanctions were not getting the attention they deserved, or even read, his communications staff brilliantly rewrote the announcement in clickbait style. After brainstorming, his staff submitted their best efforts to Karine Jean-Pierre.

“The 500 Surprising Sanctions President Biden is Imposing on Russia. Sit Down Before You Read Number 87.”

“Ranking President Biden’s 500 Sanctions on Russia. Was Number 101 Ranked Too Low?

“About Those 500 Russian Sanctions: Number 333 Will Change Your Life!”

“President Biden’s 500 Sanctions on Russia. Why Didn’t Anyone Think of 113 Before?”

Ultimately, Ms. Jean-Pierre chose:

“President Biden’s 500 Sanctions on Russia; Yes, Eliminating Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour Stop in Moscow Is One Of Them.”

One hour after posting the reboot of his sanctions announcement, the post had 50 million views.