The 96th Oscar presentation will take place on Sunday March 10th. To encourage plummeting ratings, the Academic of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences implemented diversity quotas in order for a film to be nominated.

According to Academy spokesperson Cord Cutter, whose pronouns are Ze, Zim, Zyrs, “One can’t just let writers and directors’ imaginations run wild, one must guide they. If they conform, they are eligible. If they refuse to conform, they film will not be considered. We call it structured creativity.”

“Yes-this-is-better,” former Oscar winning director Atticus Karmigios said, sounding like a robot. “My comrades and I fully support being forced to make hiring decisions based on skin color and ethnic background instead of acting skills, or quality of work.” 

Karmigios’s only regret is that his top grossing remake of The Great Escape, missed getting considered for an Oscar nomination when he missed the gender quota for minor characters by 1%. Ze was Michelle when we submitted our quota paperwork. It’s not my fault Mike made the change.”

This year’s quota conforming nominees for Best Picture are:

Barbie

Oppenheimer

And eight other films you’ve never heard of.