CNN anchors were visibly excited when news broke that the Supreme Court had ruled 9-0 on Colorado removing Donald Trump’s name from the ballot. “Finally, the chickens have come home to roost,” Dante Friedkin said, giggling with excitement. Friedkin is one of the newest talents at CNN, hired at an eighth of the salary of the CNN “star” he replaced. 

“Finally, this restores trust in the Supreme Court,” Friedkin’s co-host Sadie Bender said, recently added to CNN from a station in Fargo, North Dakota. “Even the Trump appointees could not get around the clear language of the 14th amendment. I mean, if you lead an insurrection you can’t hold a federal office.”

When told that SCOTUS actually ruled Colorado’s action unconstitutional, Friedkin was visibly shaken. “But that’s not what our experts told us would happen. They said ballot exclusion was a slam dunk. We don’t pay them just to tells us what we want to hear! Do we? Do we?”

While Friedkin sobbed, Bender angrily railed against the liberal justices on the court. “We didn’t put you on the court just to let the constitution stop you from doing what’s right!” 

“At least that $450 million dollar judgement in New York should bankrupt him,” Friedkin said.

In unrelated news, Trump announced that he is taking his Truth Social social media company public. The move is expected to net the former President $4 billion dollars.