Reluctantly, Oregon’s legislature reversed course and reapplied criminal penalties for possession of drugs such as heroin and fentanyl. “Who would have thought that decriminalizing drug use would increase drug use?” Governor Tina Kotek said, scratching her head pensively. 

Not giving up on the idea that all crime is a result of the oppressive patriarchy, Kotek indicated support for House Bill 666 that is working its way toward her desk. The bill will decriminalize car theft.

“Decriminalizing car theft should stop the oppressed from stealing cars,” the Governor said. “The poor only steal cars because they’re hungry; it’s not to buy more drugs or nothing. That’s a cruel urban myth perpetuated by colonizers.”

As the Governor stepped over dead and dying drug addicts, and wound her way through homeless tents toward her reserved parking spot, she was heard to say, “Where’s my car?”