After Special Counsel Robert Hur declined to prosecute President Biden for knowingly taking classified documents, retailers have begun reporting massive losses to gangs of elderly men with poor memories.

Local Walgreens manger, Wendy Longstocking, described one of the incidents. “These old men just came wandering in and started taking stuff off the shelves. Mostly it’s like Metamucil, adult Depends, laxatives, silver vitamins, heating pads, and boxes of candy bars. Then they shuffle and roll past the register and out the door.” 

Sales Associate Kyle Comfort was injured in one incident. “I saw an old man using a grabber to get a box of laxatives but couldn’t quite reach it so I went over to help. I didn’t know he was shoplifting. After I got it down for him he called me a ‘sucker’ then squished my toes with his walker. Fortunately he had tennis balls on the legs so I was okay.”

Neither Comfort, nor any sales associate tried to stop the shoplifters as they hobbled out the door. “It’s against company policy,” Comfort said. “If one of them fell and broke a hip we could get sued.”

“You know what’s coming when you hear the tap, tap of the canes, and the clump clump of walkers,” Longstocking said. “I’ve really come to hate the smell of Vick’s Vaporub in the morning.”

Catching up to one of the shoplifters for an interview was easy, since he had made it only a quarter of a block in the half hour since he left the Walgreens. While declining to give his name, his Maple Manor Senior Care name tag read “My Name is Walt.” When asked why he was stealing, Walt replied, “They don’t prosecute sympathetic, well-meaning, elderly men with poor memories and that’s me…I think.”

As Walt continued his snail-like getaway, a van from Carbondale Senior Living Center pulled up and disgorged another ruthless gang. “Hey, Oscar, get me a Red Bull will ya?” the driver called, as he kept the engine running, and the ramp down on the getaway van.