Medical professionals have announced a surge in whiplash cases after Oregon announced that in 2023, prescription drugs were used to euthanize 367 people. Opponents of the death penalty, who were in court in various states across the country arguing that there is no humane way to use prescription drugs to execute murderers, immediately switched to supporting Oregon’s use of prescription drugs for end-of-life care. 

“Massive doses of barbiturates simply cause a person to gently fall asleep and then you never wake up,” Melvin Putty explained, wearing his new neck brace.

Putty is a professional activist using his Ivy League general studies degree to delay the execution of murderers.

In a mild mannered manner, Putty argued that “death with dignity is achieved when the barbiturates induce a smooth, state-aided, passage into whatever is beyond.” 

When asked about the use of barbiturates to execute serial killers, Putty’s facial expressions contorted, his voice dropped two octaves, and he hissed, “There is no humane way to execute a human being. Barbiturates can cause victims to suffer long and painful deaths and the state should not be in the murder business.”

Afraid to bring out the angry Putty again, our meridian-street reporter declined to ask any more questions.