Tired of the assumption that everyone drinks coffee, thirty percent of the Fellowship Community Church congregation has announced their intention to form their own church.

“Coffee and Bible studies, coffee Klatch, coffee with the pastor,” Diet Coke drinker Emily Fender complained. “I mean, how insensitive can you be? We tithe too!”

Fender is typical of a significant portion of American society that does not like coffee and is sick of being treated as if they have a social disability.

“I get invited to fellowship with other believers but always in a coffee shop where you can’t get anything to drink that doesn’t have coffee in it,” fellow leaver Randy Splitter added. “Italian sodas? Too fancy shmancy and they’ve got sugar.”

Mike Fink, the Pastor of Fellowship Community Church defended the focus on coffee. “If they don’t like coffee, they can get one of the mocha drinks. Besides, soda isn’t good for your temple.” The Pastor was drinking a Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino Blended Creme at the time.

“We offered to compromise and provide tea, but those Diet Coke drinkers are like addicts,” Fink said. “You’d think they could get by without drinking cola every day.”

In an effort to reduce hard feelings, the remaining congregants invited the leavers to a goodby party at the local Starbucks but none of the leavers attended.

“Frankly, we didn’t even notice they weren’t there,” Fink said, sipping his White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino. “The coffee was great.”

“With that many leaving we don’t need as much room,” Pastor Fink said. “We’re thinking of putting a coffee bar in the extra space.”