After protesters broke in and occupied Portland State University’s Library, campus police contacted the Portland Police Department for help managing the situation. The request caught Portland PD off guard.

“We didn’t see this coming,” Police spokesperson Tiffany Shallough said. “We have contingency plans to deal with Proud Boys free speech rallies, pro-life illegal prayer meetings, and parents at school board meetings who oppose Drag Queen Story Hours, but no plans for handling liberal-adjacent, probably completely justified, demonstrations or occupations.”

When a reporter pointed out that there were over 100 riots and demonstrations in Portland in the summer of 2020, Shallough noted that none of the current officers were on the force “in the olden days.”

“It’s like, ancient history,” Shallough said. “All the officers from that summer have retired, taken jobs in small towns, or are out on disability with PTSD or partial blindness from laser light. The rest of the experienced officers were let go because of fully justified police budget cuts.” 

When asked how Portland PD plans to move forward, Shallough replied, “We’re contacting Columbia University for ideas.”