Columbia University announced that “talks” with pro-Hamas student protesters occupying the campus lawn had failed. In response, Columbia’s administration decided to bring in the the Thursday Night Mowing League (TNML).

“We’ve been more than patient,” spokesperson Amber Peasement said. “So, in desperation we turned to the Thursday Night Mowing League to mow our lawn to regulation golf green height.”

The TNML was founded by Joe Kinsey of Outkick.com, and is a virtual league of hardcore lawn mowers. TNML spokesperson Vita Mindy was excited when he got the request from Columbia.

“We put out a call and got a lot of excited volunteers. We know this might be controversial so we’ll all be wearing kiffiyehs with the TNML logo.”

Students occupying the campus were stunned when they heard the TNML were coming.

“What kind of monsters run Columbia?” Senior Harmony Sieker said. “We were expecting a swat team, or the National Guard, but not those lawn mowing maniacs.”

“Since they don’t respect the Stars and Stripes, they’re going to get lawn stripes,” Mindy said.

As students hurried to pack up their tents before the TNML could arrive, Sieker grumbled, “They better be using electric mowers powered by green energy.”