After pro-Palestinian students broke into Portland State University’s library and occupied it, Mayor Ted Wheeler, declared at a press conference that “illegal behavior will not be tolerated.” The audience immediately erupted in laughter.

“Seriously,” Mayor Wheeler said. “If you don’t enforce laws you don’t have a city.”

Again, those gathered laughed uproariously. One reporter chortled as he said, “This guy is killing it. He should go on the comedy circuit.”

When the audience had stopped laughing and wiped the tears from their eyes, the Mayor took questions.

The first reporter asked, “So, if the students were homeless junkies could they stay in the library?”

Again, the crowd broke down in laughter, some falling out of their chairs.

Frustrated, Mayor Wheeler, stormed out of the press conference, pushed past the junkies drug dealing on the street, ignored the vandals spray painting the walls of the building, squeezed through the tents blocking the sidewalk, stepped over the passed out junkies rolled up in blankets and looking like sausages, dodged some fleeing shoplifters, then picked his way carefully through the human waste and got into his electric limo and sped away.