The OLCC scandal began when it was discovered that Liquor Control commissioners administrators were having rare premium brand whiskeys set aside so they could purchase them before the general public. OLCC administrator Wimby Snodgrass denied any wrongdoing.

“Itsh all a mishtake,” Snodgrass said. “Hic. I don’t even…even…like that Pappy Von Stinkle, bourbon, much.”

OLCC administrator Broderick Winkler also denied any wrongdoing.

“I did nothing wrong! You got any aspirin? I’ve got what we call a premium hangover.”

The Oregon DOJ’s investigation immediately ran into several problems. Employees at the licensed liquor stores refused to talk to investigators, some employees had left the state, and one store had destroyed all sales records for the period in question. There were also rumors that those who received the rare whiskeys had drunk the evidence.

“Just the ushual kind of thing you runs into when doings an investigashion,” said DOJ investigator Will Turner. “Hic.”

When it was suggested that the state end its monopoly on liquor sales, which would lower prices and eliminate insider scandals, Snodgrass was horrified.

“Nosh yest,” Snodgrass said. “Theys getting a shipmunt of Elmer T. Lee bourbon shoon. After that we’ll she. Hic.”