Spiraling down since the election of Bud (whoop, whoop) Clark, Portland has been governed by a mayor and 5 commissioners. Given the rampant open drug use, illegal camping, human waste on sidewalks, and ubiquitous graffiti, Portlanders, have voted to fight bad government with more government.

“It only makes sense,” west side resident Brenden Smorgasbord said. “If five commissioners can’t make good decisions, I’m sure twelve can.”

Other citizens also supported the governance change.

“Oh yeah, it’s a good idea,” Betsy Ken, said. “When it comes to government, more is always better.”

When asked if she supported the fact that the expanded leadership would also get an increase in salary, Ken agreed.

“The more you pay, the better decisions people make. It’s a proven fact. It’s like if I got paid more at Starbucks I’d probably start coming to work on time.”

One Portlander had a different point of view.

“We don’t need more commissars,” street citizen Reggie said. “The commissars we got now cut the cop budget and with less cops my friends aren’t getting arrested as often and turned into criminals. Fewer criminals is a good thing.”

Portland’s new charter was approved by 57% of voters, essentially the same 58% of citizens who voted to decriminalize drugs in 2020.