Initially, Portland City Council was reluctant to continue funding the Joint Office of Homeless Services, given no data indicating that the programs have made any difference.

“We can’t keep spending on wishful thinking,” the mayor said.

“Just because it can’t be measured, doesn’t mean we aren’t making a difference,” Cindy Loo said, speaking for the sobering center she runs. “We’ve had hundreds of addicts come through our doors.”

When asked how many actually conquer their addiction, Loo deflected.

“We don’t, like, track that, ’cause someone else does the treatment stuff, but I’m sure it’s lots.”

Similarly, other homeless service providers could only share anecdotes as evidence, and the council seemed to be leaning toward reducing funding. Then the director of a food program changed everything.

“There’s been a sign of good times ahead,” Sybil Fluke said. “A white buffalo has been born in Yellowstone for the first time in generations and my people believe that it portends better times.”

When asked if she was Native American, Fluke replied, “Yes, 1/20,000th. It’s more of an aspirational connection.”

Then the director of a safe rest village confirmed that Portland may be entering a new age of positivity.

“Soon, Jupiter will align with Mars, and the moon will be in the seventh house, and this is the house of partnerships, which is what we do here. This is a very good sign.

At that point the City Council was still reluctant to fund programs with no measurable effect. Then, Crystal Springs, who operates a mobile needle exchange van, provided another sign.

“We got Panda Express last night and the fortune in my cookie said, and I quote, ‘Your hard work will bear fruit.’”

There were audible gasps in the room as the three portents left no room for doubt. The Council vote to continue full funding was unanimous.

After the decision it was learned that a new comet had been discovered, and comet Tsuchinshan will soon be bright enough to see with the naked eye.

As everyone knows, comets, are harbingers of doom, thus neutralizing the white buffalo, the astrological alignment, and the fortune cookie.