Concerns about President Biden’s debate performance were alleviated when it was discovered Biden had contracted COVID 81. The very recently isolated disease is known to cause scratchy throats, mumbling, slurring, body stiffness, cognitive confusion, blank staring, mouth gaping, and incoherent speech.

Former Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, Anthony Fauci, immediately assured the nation that the disease was not leaked from a Chinese gain of function lab but probably came from bats that pooped in a Chinese food market.

As the debate ended, 51 current and former intelligence agents signed a letter stating that COVID 81 had all the earmarks of a Russian disinformation disease.

At publication time, it was not clear whether the President has regular COVID 81 or Long COVID 81. If the Long variant, Democrat leaders assured the public that the President might appear senile through the election but symptoms will clear up immediately afterwards.