An inside source has leaked the news that Kamala Harris is preparing to replace President Biden, “Just in case the senile colonizer steps aside.” The source also released the first draft of Kamala’s acceptance speech.

“My fellow Americans, proto-Americans, and future Americans now coming across our southern border. I am speaking to you tonight about our country.

Americans! What does it mean to be an American? Let me explain.

You see, America is a big country. And next to America is a big country too, called Canada. We call the people who live there Canadians. Let’s all say their name together, Ca-na-di-ans. I know it’s a big word but it’s an important word.

But we have another neighbor on the other side of our country and we call that country Mexico. It’s a big country too. We call those people Mexicans. Mexicans are also Latinx but I’d need a Venn diagram to explain that. (PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER BUT DO NOT READ THIS OUT LOUD) Mexicans like America. We know since most of them are moving here.

So, as an A-mer-i-can, and Vice President, I work for you, the Americans, proto-Americans, and future Americans, who live between Canada and Mexico. I have a job which is called Vice President. No, I am not president of alcohol and drugs. (PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER BUT DO NOT READ THIS OUT LOUD) It means that I am the next person in line to be President if the President cannot finish his term. That has happened.

While behind the scenes, President Biden continues to be vigorous, sharp, energetic, sharp, and just, like, Wow! Occasionally, he has been less wow in public than his usual wow. While unfair to our magnificent leader – that’s our word for the day – magnificent – he feels unless he can continue to be superb 24/7 (SAY “TWENTY FOUR SEVEN,” NOT “24 DIVIDED BY SEVEN”), 365 days of the year and an extra day during leap year. Sorry, I don’t have time to explain leap year right now. (GIGGLE HERE IF YOU HAVE TO)

Anyway, President Biden felt he could not complete another term, even though he is not incompetent right now and never will be. Anyway, President Biden, has decided to not run for President again and instead I will take his place at the top of the ticket.

I promise to do my humble best to do my best, and to do better than my best and to do it everyday, and today is everyday, and so my best begins as I have been doing everyday and will continue doing in future days which used to be yesterday and will be tomorrow.

So help me goddess.