“It’s not only about addressing food insecurity,” PPS spokesperson Lettie Winger said. We need more time with our students to root out some stubborn ideas. I mean, some of the white kids still don’t feel guilty over their white privilege, and parrot that ‘all people are created equal’ gobbledegook.”

First grade teacher Wanda Sharp agreed. “Some of my students haven’t spent any time exploring what gender they want to be and you’d be horrified at how many of my female assigned students want to be mommies when they grow up.”

When asked about the rumor that the new breakfast program would be served by Drag Queens, Winger vehemently denied such a plan.

“That’s an outrageous lie. It’s actually a rotational system,” Winger said. “Tuesday will be Drag Queen day, but Monday will have Pride servers, Wednesday’s servers will be provided by Planned Parenthood, and Thursday’s servers will come from Black Lives Matter. Oh, and Friday will be renamed ‘Surpriseday’ and have different servers each week. Just between us, the first Surpriseday servers will be the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. I’m so excited for the exposure our students will get.”

When asked about students who choose to eat breakfast at home, Winger agreed it was a concern.

“Those are the hardest cases,” Winger said. “We’ve approached the state legislature about banning parents from feeding their kids breakfast at home but it’s stalled in committee over some nonsense about parent rights.”