Portland Public Schools is now providing free meals to all students regardless of family income or degree of obesity.

“This program will guarantee nutritional equity,” PPS spokesperson Alma Wright said. “As we speak, one in six students are experiencing food insecurity right now.”

After it was pointed out that statistics also show that one in six students are obese, Wright was asked if these could be the same students who report food insecurity?

“Totally coincidence,” Wright said. “Pretty sure, anyway.”

Then Wright was asked if offering more food to obese kids that already ate at home might undermine parental efforts at calorie control?

“We don’t fat shame in our schools. Besides, some of our children come from cultures that have a tradition of multiple meals. They eat Breakfast, Second Breakfast, Elevenses, etc.”

When it was pointed out that Wright was describing the meal schedule of Hobbits, she waved off the criticism.

“We honor all traditions,” Wright said. “Hobbits are people too.”

“Actually, they’re fictional’,” one reporter mumbled. “And they’re not people.”

When asked about the rumor that PPS would be adding Afternoon Tea, Wright was optimistic.

“Typically Afternoon Tea is served at 3, and our younger students have been released by then. But we’re working with the District to lengthen the school day so we can address afternoon food insecurity.”

“What about bedtime snack insecurity?” a reporter asked sarcastically.

“We plan to send home backpacks of organic nutritious snacks to handle that,” Wright said.

Meanwhile, from the cafeteria a student could be heard loudly asking, “What the hell is a hummus breakfast burrito?”