Overwhelmed by undocumented immigrants, NYC is frustrated by the number of crimes committed by migrants.

“We used to have a good thing going with criminals,” Officer Mandy O’Cleary said. “We’d arrest them, give them a Miranda warning, transport them to jail, then judges would let them go. Very efficient.

“Now, most of them don’t speak English and when you give them a Miranda warning they think we’re talking about some Agentinian Electropoop band or something.”

“Electropop,” O’Cleary’s partner corrected.

“Whatever! The problem is we have able bodied American criminals getting pushed out of work,” O’Cleary said. “It’s an American tragedy.”

NYC officials see no connection between being a sanctuary city and the displacement of citizen-criminals.

“Right-wingers keep trying to connect being a sanctuary city to crime, but there’s clearly no connection,” spokesperson Sue Schwann said. “These immigrants are just doing crimes Americans are no longer willing to do.”

When asked to explain how there can be no connection between being a sanctuary city and immigrant crimes, Schwann was quick to reply.

“Did you hear about Vance’s cat women crack?”