Rumors of asian immigrants snatching cats for dinner, are sweeping the nation.

“I have all different kinds of cats,” childless cat lady Selina Kyle said. “Birman, Siamese, Calico, Persian. I used to introduce them as my smorgasbord of cats, but that’s not funny anymore.”

When polls showed movement of childless cat ladies toward Trump, Kamala Harris quickly announced a plan to make feline cuisine a federal crime. At the same time she also promised that everyone who has lost a cat “will be compensated $10,000 for each life left in theys’ cat, to a maximum of $90,000.”

Harris also announced she would commit $100 billion dollars to finding a vegan alternative to cat meat.

“It will be just as delicious as real cat,” Harris promised.

When asked how she knows what cat tastes like, Harris put in earbuds, and held up her phone.

“Just gotta take this,” Harris said.

Meanwhile, from his beach recliner, President Biden denied there is a cat-eating problem.

“While some asian cultures do include cat meat as part of their diet, there is no credible evidence that there is widespread cat eating in our country,” Biden said. “Except by coyotes.”

When asked what the Biden Administration was going to do about coyote predation on cats, Spokesperson Kay Neinn quipped,”We’re taking steps to freeze the Coyote’s ACME account.”*

When no one laughed, Neinn added, “And we’re tasking the Vice President with getting to the real root causes of pet disappearances.”

“So she’s a pet czar?” a reporter asked.

“Can’t hear you” Neinn said as she put in earbuds and pretended to be talking to someone.

*Fact check: The Coyote almost exclusively pursues a particular road runner, and therefore is not a realistic threat to pet cats. We rate this claim as FALSE.

Fact check 2: Our fact-checkers could not identify a retailer called “ACME” that supplies the range of products routinely ordered by The Coyote. However, “ACME” may represent the retailer Amazon, or a similar provider. We rate this claim as PARTIALLY TRUE.