Since the COVID panic, Oregon has seen school attendance decline from an average of 80% attending regularly to 62%. Recently, the Governor took steps to reverse that trend by declaring September “Attendance Awareness Month.”

“That’s the kind of problem solving this governor is known for,” Administrative Assistant Candy Cane said.

When asked how a declaration will change attendance, Cane said, “By bringing awareness. Duh!”

When it was pointed out that the month of September is almost over, Cane explained.

“The person who wrote the declaration works from home, and, uhm, it turned out she was in Cancun for a couple of weeks and had a poor internet connection.”

“Then I only come in on Mondays, but I took a personal day, so it kind of fell through the cracks.”

In Oregon many government employees work from home because rampant crime makes it dangerous to commute. When asked if not showing up for work was a good model for attendance awareness, Cane assured reporters there was no connection.

“Just because you don’t come to the office doesn’t mean you aren’t doing your job.”

Cane was then asked if the fact that the Governor shut down the schools for a year and a half might have sent the wrong message to students and parents.

“I don’t see how.”

Before ending the news conference Cane confided that the Governor was planning to solve low student reading levels by declaring October “Literacy Awareness Month,” and end homelessness by declaring November “Houseless Awareness Month.”