Since this is Portland, the city is using a system of voting that no other city, state, or commune has ever used. Here is Portland’s democracy explained using donuts, since donuts will help keep your attention like nothing else can. Doh!

Using donuts to represent Portland’s candidates for City Council means that there will be no traditional donuts on the ballot; no plain, cinnamon, or powdered sugar donuts.

The donut candidates will be something out of a Voodoo Donut fever dream; Bacon Grape, Caffeine Banana, Pretty Poison With Sprinkles, Bathtub Ring Bars, Crazy Cronut, and the Mayor Wheeler Special (a “filled” donut that is empty).

When you sit down to vote, your ballot will have 15 to 30 donut types you would never eat, and your task will be to pick the six donuts least likely to make you violently sick. Rank that donut #1, then pick the donut that won’t cause you to vomit immediately as #2, then the one that might cause stomach cramps #3, then just go ahead and randomly pick three more since you have no idea what the rest of the donuts are. For example, your donuts 4, 5 and 6 might be Mango Maniac, Vanilla Toe Jam, and Victoria’s Secret Cream.

You can also choose to write in a donut, like “Glazed,” which will make the vote counters giggle, as they ball up your ballot and shoot it at a wastebasket.

Once the donut choices are counted, if your least unliked donut got the fewest votes, then your donut is trashed with the write-in donuts. Then, your vote goes to your second least liked donut, and again, the lowest ranked donut is dropped. If the donuts you picked, aren’t popular enough, your donuts are trashed and you have no vote.

You might want to skip the next paragraph if you have anything important to do, like clip your fingernails.

If a donut eventually gets 25% of the vote, plus one, any excess votes of 25% plus one, are distributed as a percentage of the surplus votes for the winning donut, to your next ranked choice that is still remaining. For example, if the first winning donut is Crazy Cronut, then all those who voted for it get a percentage of the surplus vote distributed to other donuts based on their next most popular donut. So, if you voted for Crazy Cronut, and it exceeded 25% plus one votes, then all the highest rated remaining donuts of the Crazy Cronut voters are added up, and a percentage of the surplus vote is awarded to each Crazy Cronut voters share of the over vote to their highest remaining choice, even if it was their last choice of donut and selected only because your pen accidentally rested on one of the choice circles. So, if you happened to rank a donut high just as other donut rankers did, you get some extra partial votes. Meanwhile, if you picked the wrong donut, you are disenfranchised.

Finally, the winning donuts for your district are announced, and you find that your interests are represented by Bitter Swill Filled Puff, 12-Step Bourbon Bar, and Chocolate Pomegranate Perversion.