America’s nuclear arsenal was accidentally moved to DEFCON 1 when the Washington Commanders football team pulled off a miracle win on Sunday. The problem was traced to President Biden’s decision to link the Nuclear Football to his iPhone and to make the launch code easier to remember.

“It was totally an accident,” White House Spokesperson Karine Jean-Pierre said. “Like many people, the President chose the name of his favorite pet for his password. And that’s his beloved, Commander.

At the mention of the German Shepherd, some Secret Service agents rubbed scars on their legs and hands.

“After the Hail-Mary win, the President shouted ‘Commanders’ over and over, thus raising our DEFCON status.”

When it was pointed out that you allegedly have to say “Hey Siri” to get your iPhone to listen, Jean-Pierre deferred to a DOD investigator.

“There were several people in the Delaware residence during the game,” DOD investigator Brock Mortenson said. “In addition to the President shouting ‘Commanders,’ our audio analysis identified Governor Walz calling out ‘Are you serious,’ and Kamala Harris repeating ‘Hey, hey, hey, what’s going on?’ That combined cacophony triggered the President’s phone to make a connection to the Nuclear Football.”

While the world was on the brink of nuclear annihilation, it was saved because of that annoying Two-Factor Authentication thing.

“Before launching, the Nuclear Football texted a confirmation code to the President’s phone. Fortunately, the President’s alert sound was a ding-dong and the President assumed the Butler would answer the door,” Mortenson said.

At that point the President took to the podium to reassure Americans that he had changed his password so the incident would not be repeated.

“No one will guess my new password,” Biden said.

“Is it your wife’s first name?” the Fox News reporter asked.

Looking shocked, the President said, “No. You’re, way, way, off.”

“Spelled G-I-L-L,” the reporter said.

As the president’s mouth gaped open, a handler led the leader of the free world away from the microphone.