The Ironic Medal of Freedom award to George Soros for promoting democracy and freedom of speech.

A Posthumous Freedom Medal to Peanut the Squirrel for being the poster squirrel for rodent rights (Pete the raccoon got screwed again).

The Golden Entrepreneur Medal to Jake Paul for creatively turning elder abuse into a profit center.

The Captain Planet and the Planeteers Medal to John Kerry who consistently kept the temperature in his private jet at 68 degrees to save the planet.

A Participation Trophy to Kamala Harris because she tried really hard and had fun.

Medal of Achievement for making do with just two pairs of underwear, to stuck in space astronauts Suni Williams and Butch Wilmore. (Note: Biden was insulted because the astronauts did not attend the ceremony.)

The Uncle Bosie Memorial Medallion to Tim Walz, for creative resume embellishment.

A Better Late Than Never Trophy to Mark Zuckerberg for discovering censorship on social media sites.

A Medal of Freedom to Michelle Yeoh for her career in Hollywood as an all-purpose asian. (See her soon in Paramount’s Section 31 where she plays an asian woman in a Star Trek spinoff*)

A Pink Stanley Cup to Dr. Jill Biden because she really wanted one, but did not want to get into a fight in a Target to get one.

Presidential Medal of Freedom With Distinction to former President Carter, who Biden forgot had died, even though he gave his eulogy.

*Not a sponsored plug, darn it!