Depressed by the effect the Los Angeles fires have had on California’s ability to meet its carbon goals, and, oh, also by the loss of life and property, CA is taking the following steps to get back on track.

California:

Will pay millions to Al Gore to plant a gazillion trees in a rainforest in Brazil. (Really! You will never see them, but trust us.)

Will buy carbon offsets from the state of California.(I know this sounds like a scam, but, again, trust us.)

Will rebuild Pacific Palisades as an Amish community.

Will turn every illegal immigrant that Trump deports to Mexico into a mule carrying 20 lbs. of carbon.

Will expand its high speed rail system to make all passenger and cargo rail electric, just as soon as the Merced to Bakersfield leg of the bullet train is done.

Will post educational signs along streets in burned out areas that say, “Fire is bad,” to sensitize residents to the danger of fire. Signs will be in 11 languages.

Will implement an odd/even system where residents born during even years will exhale carbon dioxide only on even numbered days, and those born in odd numbered years will exhale carbon dioxide only on odd numbered days.

Will require all homeless camps, of three tents or more, to have a carbon reduction action plan. The plan shall be clearly posted.

Will slash red tape so the time it takes to get a building permit is reduced to just 7 years, but only if the homes will have a windmill in their yard and your construction crew meets diversity quotas.

Will designate one day a year as “Wildfire Awareness Day” to educate the public about the environmental consequences of burning your house down. The day has not been selected yet, but will not be in June because that is owned by LGBTQI+ inc.

Will launch the “Hydro Interlink” project to connect all of 250,000 private swimming pools in Los Angeles County with the water system for fire emergencies, because pools have water when reservoirs do not.*

These positive steps should have California back on track to meet its carbon reduction goals in a century or two.

* Note: Legislators and government officials will be exempt from having their pools and hot tubs tapped to fight fires because they have stressful jobs and need to relax after working from home all day.