Multnomah County Officials announced that a new animal shelter is projected to cost as much as $85 million.

“The current facility is just kind of depressing,” Multnomah County spokesperson Dale Mation said. “The animals are all locked up and in cages. It’s inhumane.”

When asked how the animals will be contained in the new facility, Mation replied, “Locked in cages. But, the cages will be painted in pastel colors.”

Most questions focussed on why the facility will cost three times what the recent Deflection Center for homeless humans cost. Mation explained:

“It’s the amenities. We’re going to have a spa center that includes herbal baths, a meditation temple, sensory deprivation spaces for centering, and A.I. controlled lighting that adjusts to the shelter’s emotional ambiance.”

When asked if that is the number one need of shelter dogs and cats, Mation clarified.

“That’s for the employees. It’s just depressing being around barking and meowing all day long. Kittens ain’t that cute after you’ve cleaned up your hundredth pile of crap. We really need that spa.”

The decision to build a new shelter was also criticized because 30% of the building spaces in downtown Portland are empty and rental rates have plummeted. However, Mation rejected the suggestion of just leasing space downtown.

“Have you been downtown? It’s not fit for cats nor dogs. Or, people.”

One particularly heated controversy has held up funding for the project. In the plans, there are segregated animal play spaces that were designed either for cats or dogs. Trans activists insist that access to the play spaces be based on animal identity, not biology.

“There is no danger to cats by putting dogs in with them, or to cats being put in with dogs,” Bea Nise, said. “Not if it is consistent with their self identification.”

“Woof,” agreed the canine representative on the planning committee, licking his chops.

“Meowwwww,” responded the worried feline representative.