Gathered at a Tesla dealership with other protesters, members of the Portland School Board waved signs, chanted arrhythmically and sang songs off-key.

“We are here to demand that the criminal Elon Musk and his gang of teen thugs stop cutting Federal budgets,” board member Ima Spender said.

When asked if there was any fat at all in the federal budgets, Spender was adamant.

“None, because if you give a mouse a cookie, next it will want a glass of milk. Kay?” Spender said.

Spender is a recovering kindergarten teacher, which explains why she sometimes sounds like Kamala Harris.

Soon, Spender and others from the Portland School District left to attend a School Board Meeting, where they defended their decision to trim remodeling budgets for three of Portland’s high schools. The explanation that the district should not spend more money than it has, was not well received.

Opponents immediately rejected the radical “balance the budget” argument and demanded that a full healthcare clinic be returned to the remodel plans for each of the three high schools.

Georgie Porridge, the oldest member of the School Board, explained that there actually would be a clinic onsite, but an old-school clinic.

“Just like what I had back in Nebraska,” Porridge said. “There’ll be a box of bandaids, mercurochrome, and a bottle of aspirin.”

Not satisfied, parents asked about abortion services.

“There will be morning-after-pill vending machines available,” Spender said. “Next to the condom machines. Which are apparently underutilized.”

As for the daycare center for students with babies, that was also cut, Porridge offered an unpopular solution.

“This will give grandparents a second chance at parenting,” Porridge said. “Maybe this time they can raise kids that don’t get pregnant in high school.”

At that point the audience pelted Porridge with tampons taken from the boy’s bathroom.

Fleeing from the shower of feminine/masculine hygiene products, Board members hurried back to the Tesla dealership to continue protesting federal efforts to balance the national budget.