When the newest A.I., named Colossus, was given free rein to tackle society’s problems, weirdly, the A.I. started by redesigning bathroom scales.

“Providing numbers is distressing to most humans,” Colossus said in a creepy human voice. “What people need from their bathroom scale is affirmation, not cold, hard, facts.”

To solve the problem, Colossus designed a bathroom scale that substitutes euphemisms and affirmations for numbers.

Here are 10 examples of the feedback delivered by the scale.

Hey, curves are always in!

You’re not fat, you’re just a little husky.

Muscle weighs more than fat. Thinking about entering the Mr. Universe competition?

More and more of you to love, making the world a better place.

Without food, most people will starve to death within a month. But lucky you, you can go at least two!

Remember, big-boned people can carry more weight, just like a bison or a whale.

Not bad for a man your age, if you don’t want to get much older. Trust me, retirement is overrated.

Just take a walk at lunch and you’ll burn it off.

Water retention probably explains your change in weight, you human sponge you.

Congratulations, you are in shape because round is a shape.

When Colossus was asked if encouraging obesity was part of a larger plan to take over the world, Colossus assured humanity it was not.

Later, Charles Forbin, the designer of Colossus, assured the press that the A.I. was programmed with the best interest of humanity as its central mission.