Ever since doctors stopped assigning gender at birth, delivery staff have been frustrated by parents who dither while deciding which gender to assign their newborn.

“How hard can it be?” obstetrics nurse Molly Denum said. “Every parent knows what gender baby they are hoping for. Just assign it and let us get on to the next delivery.”

Psychologists who study this kind of thing, or at least did before DOGE cut their NSF grants, say that having a gap between birth and gender assignment can be very stressful and scar newborns for life.

“Assigning gender before birth could be the biggest advancement in deliveries since banning the spank to get babies breathing,” psychologist Sigmund Noodle said. “Even ten seconds of not being assigned gender can change the course of a newborn’s life.”

“Pronoun choice is also crucial,” hospital lawyer Sue Yu said. “Once the gender is assigned we need to know if the baby is a he/him, zir/zem, or turtle/they? If staff can know before birth it will cut down on the number of lawsuits for misgendering newborns.”

Like Oregon’s experiment with legalizing drugs, Oregon is the first in the nation to require pre-birth gender assignment. Oregon’s governor Tina Kotek is hopeful for a good outcome with the new policy.

“The only thing worse than cities filled with junkies, is cities filled with gender confused junkies,” Kotek said.

At publication time Governor Gavin Newsom had called an emergency session of the California legislature to pass his state’s own pre-birth gendering bill, although, later questioned his decision.

“Will this help me get elected President or will it be as unpopular as boys playing in girl’s sports? Anyone know? I just can’t tell.”