They go by names like subs, torpedoes, and hoagies, but whatever the name, scientists have confirmed that narrow bread is the dumbest foundation for a sandwich.

Professor Sam Wish led the research team that used “best practices” to determine which bread design is suited for making sandwiches.

“Our analysis clearly shows that flat, wide, slices are best for sandwich making and a narrow, round loaf sliced down the middle is the worst. It’s science so you can’t argue.”

Wish confirmed that trying to balance meat, tomatoes, pickles, onions, peppers, and lettuce on something better suited to being a bread stick creates anxiety. And anxiety shortens your life.

“Clearly, if you have to use wooden spears to keep the sandwich together, there’s something wrong with your bread design. And have you ever forgotten to take out a toothpick and bit into one? Case closed! “

The Wish team studied sub sandwiches made with various meats and had particular disdain for meatball filling.

“Ever bite into a meatball sub and not have it start going #2 out the other end?” Wish asked.

Wish also pointed out the deceptiveness of using sub bread.

“The narrow bread forces you to fold meat slices, making it look like you are getting more meat than you really are,” Wish said. “Folding a ten dollar bill four times doesn’t make $40.”

Wish and his team of sandwichologists, issued a wake up call to Americans.

“There’s a reason why sliced bread is America’s greatest invention,” Wish said. “Now lay out some flat slices, and pile on the toppings. No need to waste time balancing meat and veggies on a bread that is two fingers wide. Despite your best efforts, it’s guaranteed you’ll wear some of what you’re eating for the rest of the day.”

When asked for his bottom line, Wish was clear.

“Let the French make sandwiches out of bread shaped like swimming pool noodles.”

Unfortunately, Wish’s team was disbanded when DOGE cut their grant funding just as they were beginning their analysis of whether hot dogs are sandwiches or not.