After investing millions in sobering centers, which is the first step for drug addicts to get off our streets, the shelters have many empty beds and regularly have no one in their facility.

“It really puzzled us,” City Hall spokesperson Wendy Talker said. “We have hundreds of drug addicts on the street but almost none ever come in to get sober.”

Talker pointed out that understanding the problem was delayed when their billion dollar federal grant to do a survey was cancelled by DOGE.

“Without the funding we decided to just walk across the street to the homeless camp and ask people why they don’t come in to our center and get sober. Their answers made no sense.”

“Because I like getting high,” street denizen Larry Long said, then added, “Duuuuuhhhh!”

Alternate lifestyle enthusiast Irene Lister, said, “Because you can’t get high in the center.”

“I like being high all day,” homeless camper Buster Bunker said.

“I heard a rumor they won’t let you do drugs,” curb queen Ima Stone said.

“High, I like being,” said fallen Star Wars fan Ward Speed.

“I was born middle class, okay?” former Harris/Walz volunteer Misty Still said. “And if you look at it with Venn diagrams, and I love them, at the intersection is getting high.”

When asked what would make the sobering center a more attractive option, the street consensus was to allow drug use in the center, or better yet, provide free drugs.

“I’d move in for today if I could get high in there,” Long said. “Also, they gotta let me bring my Pit Bull Fluffy too. Pit Bulls make the best pets, you know!”

“I don’t think they understand the purpose of a sobering center,” Talker said, as she circulated in the camp.

“I understand,” sidewalk settler Lottie Stuff said. “But I’d rather get high. But I’m a little short today, so you interested in buying ten bottles of White Rain shampoo? I found them behind the Target. I’ll trade for two fenty if you’re holding.”

With no counter argument for, “I like being high,” Talker blamed DOGE.

“We really do need that billion dollar multiple choice survey,” Talker said. “Maybe something sciency like that will find the real reason no one comes to our center.”

“My real reason is that I like getting high,” houseless person Roman Round said, as he injected something he melted in a spoon.* Then crawled under his tarp and into his new sleeping bag.**

*Drug paraphernalia provided courtesy of Multnomah County Homeless Services which also funds sobering centers.

**Tarps, sleeping bags, coats, etc. provided courtesy of Multnomah Counting Homeless Services which also funds sobering centers.