Probably due to DOGE cuts, Americans were unaware that a steady diet of donuts could lead to harmful health effects.

“Who knew?” Portland resident Hedda Insand said, while chewing on a donut with a lit cigarette between her fingers.

When the donut was half chewed, and most of the powdered sugar licked off her lips, Insand washed it down with a swig of Red Bull.

“If it was bad for us it would be illegal,” Insand said. “I mean, even fentanyl and heroine are legal in Oregon so we know they aren’t bad for you. Wait what? They’re illegal again? When did that happen?”

The secret that donuts are not a health food, was revealed when Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert Kennedy Jr. innocently asked whether society should pay for the health care of Americans who eat doughnuts or smoke when they know those habits can contribute to poor health outcomes, like, you know, death?

Once the door had been opened, Kennedy went on to disclose other behaviors that can be hazardous to your health.

• Tourist diving on the Titanic wreck – risk of implosion.
• Flying in helicopters – what’s with all the recent crashes?
• Being a food taster for an oligarch in Putin’s Russia – you better know what polonium 210 tastes like.
• Watching The View – known source of stress producing nonsense.
• Standing between A.O.C. and a camera – you could get run over.
• Eating 5,000 calories per day but burning only 1500 – future star of my 600-lb life.
• Driving a Tesla in San Francisco – or in Portland, or Seattle, or Los Angeles, or New York…
• Eating Chipotle and Taco Bell in the same day – risk of explosion.

When a manager of a Krispy Kreme was asked if he was worried that RFK Jr.’s threat to cut donut eaters off of healthcare plans would hurt his business, he replied:

“Nah.”

Then the manager turned on the “Hot Now” sign, and our meridian-street.com reporter ordered a dozen still warm Original Glazed donuts and then another dozen to take back to the office to share.

At publication time, many Americans were switching to organic donuts as a healthier alternative.