Shortly after implementing a federal ban on food dyes, RFK Jr admitted that eliminating dyes from food was just the first step.

“You think the rest of the crap left in your processed foods is good for you?” RFK Jr said.

To set a good example, at the press conference, RFK Jr served broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots. The snacks came with a choice of two dips: vinegar or water.

“The preservatives are as bad as the dyes, sugar is poison, and if it’s got flour it’s made from genetically modified wheat. Eat it and you’re screwed.”

When asked what led up to the elimination of the food pyramid, RJK Jr. was honest.

“HHS had to keep changing the pyramid as we did more research. Seems like our scientists were wrong about everything we eat. When I was in school they taught us to eat multiple helpings of butter and margarine ’cause it was one of the food groups. Unbelievable! Now class, can we all say, clogged arteries?”

Then RFK Jr. let loose a gravelly laugh. Getting control of himself, RFK Jr. continued.

“The new HHS guideline is direct and simple. If it tastes good, spit it out!’”

When asked whether enjoyment can be part of healthy eating, RFK Jr. was clear.

“You can live or die. Can’t do both. Now if you’ll excuse me, I found a dead possum this morning and I’m going to dress him up in a little Chinese soldier outfit and then put him on the National Mall with some of the debris from that Chinese spy balloon Biden let drift across the country.”

When asked why he would do such a thing, RFK Jr. laughed and said, “If I can’t enjoy my food, I’ve got to do something I like.”

At publishing time multiple media sources were running stories about evidence of trained Chinese possums piloting spy balloons across the country.

Hat tip: M.Goins