The Multnomah County Sheriff’s office, assured the public that pulling eight bodies out of rivers in April, is “tragic” but not unusual, and no suspicious activity connects any of the deaths.

“It’s spring. The water warms up and the corpses on the river bottom rot faster so the bodies fill with gas, and up they pop. Like a bobber,” Multnomah County Sheriff’s spokesperson Patsy Mortem said.

“Last April we pulled out 6, but that was a low year,” Mortem said. “Eight to ten is more typical.”

“It’s just part of Portland’s charm,” Portland tourism spokesperson Peggy Lipstick said with a practiced smile. “The rhododendrons are in bloom, the Rose Festival Princesses are being chosen, and the bodies are popping up.”

Given the high frequency of body recoveries, the Portland Development Commission recently funded a rebranding of PFD’s corpse recovery team. Now known as “Body Buddies,” these professionals patrol the county rivers, picking up the floaters. The Body Buddies dress in red and black uniforms, reflecting the team colors of both the NBA Trailblazers and the NWSL Thorns, Portland’s professional sports teams.

“We were a little unsure about all the red, because of the connection to blood,” Body Buddies team leader Bob Ender said. “But, hey, most of these poor slobs drowned or died of overdoses. Most.”

When asked if all the bodies explains why so few people swim in the Willamette River, Lipstick was quick to reject the idea.

“Absolutely not,” Lipstick said. “It’s more likely all the drug paraphernalia washing up on shore.”

When asked if Portland city officials planned to address the problem of excess bodies in the rivers, Lipstick responded optimistically.

“It’s on the City Council to-do list,” Lipstick said. “Right after we finish solving the homeless problem, the drug addicts problem, the crime problem, and the graffiti problem.”