After a few years of lower than average snowpack in the Cascade mountains, the 2024-2025 season resulted in an above average snowpack. Good snowpack runoff is considered healthy for rivers, fish, and farmers.

That good news lasted about 30 seconds and then Oregon State environmentalists returned to their normal, gloomy, selves.

“The problem with a winter of good precipitation is that it makes things grow, and more vegetation might get dried out in summer, and if it dries out, and there is a lightning storm, or power line sparks, or a poorly doused campfire, a casually tossed cigarette butt, or two rocks banging together, there could be an increase in wildfires,” Oregon Department of forestry spokesperson Betty Bummer said.

Bummer made the announcement while wearing full firefighter turnout gear. Bummer explained she wore the gear to illustrate the seriousness of the problem created by having a good precipitation year.

“We’re all gonna die any second now,” Bummer said.

At press time, Oregon Health Authority announced that that the decline in COVID 19 has made room for other viruses to bloom and therefore this fall we will all probably die from a horrible virus that definitely did not come from China.