In an astounding military feat, Israeli commandos broke into Iran’s most secret facility and then made their way down to the deepest level expecting to find nuclear centrifuges. That is not what they found.

“There were just kilometers and kilometers of file cabinets,” Captain Ari Uris said. “When we opened them, they were full of employment records.”

Further examination revealed that the files were Iranian Social Security records.

“We got the idea from The Great Satan,” a captive Iranian worker said. “It’s all paperwork not centrifuges. When someone retires, we walk down here to find their file and then walk it back up to process it. It’s really tiring. That’s why only 100 Iranians can retire per month.”

When asked why there is no elevator, the captive explained.

“If we put in an elevator shaft someone might drop a bomb down it,” the captive said, nervously.

Meanwhile, an Israeli commando called over from the next aisle.

“Hey, anyone want to know how much the Supreme Leader makes?”

As they left, the Israeli commandos helpfully removed records of Iranians that they knew would not be applying for SS since the commandos had killed them on the way in.