New professional sports teams try to capture the essence of their host cities. After a year of consideration, Portland’s new WNBA team will recycle the name “Fire” which was the name of the last WNBA team that failed in Portland.

Critics wondered if “Fire” referred to the wildfires that burn down the state every summer, or to the fires set by rioters.

“No,no,no,” Fire spokesperson Helen Flaming said. “Fans will be on fire for this team. Get it?”

The reason that the name Fire was recycled may be clear when you look at the other names considered.

Portland Graffiti – Captures the vibrant street art of Portland, and there is free advertising for the team everywhere in Portland.

Portland Progressives – An honest representation of what Portland is about but a certain insurance company refused sponsorship. (Ed. Note: They won’t sponsor us either)

Portland Sanctuary – While it would be loved by the migrant community, it was rejected because of “religious overtones.” Yuch.

Portland Riot – The City Council begged the WNBA to not use this name.

Portland Homeless – This name was probably submitted as a joke. Probably.

Portland MAX – While naming a team after a light rail line may seem weird, METRO, Portland’s unnecessary mezzo level of government, did offer to tax something, or rich people, to pay for the naming right.

Portland Death Spiral – Too ominous sounding, but does capture something important about Portland.

Portland Lady Trailblazers – Too 1950ish.

Portland Sacagaweas – Rejected because reading a land acknowledgement before every game would be time consuming, and because there was no agreement on how to pronounce the name.

Portland Blues – Sounds either too sad, or a reference to state politics, which might alienate the few Republican fans of the WNBA in Oregon, if any.

When it was pointed out that the last Portland Fire team failed due to lack of attendance, the new owners were confident the refurbished team will succeed, “If all our home games are against Caitlin Clark’s team.”