When Joe Biden stepped out of the Presidential race, his family’s business model collapsed. While most former Presidents command huge speaking fees, there has been virtually no market for this former president. Biden’s one speech since the election was for a PTA meeting, and Dr. Jill had to bring a casserole.

To cover his expenses, Hunter’s, and the rest of the family, President Biden has finally landed a number of endorsement deals.

Acme Autopens. Each box comes with an authentic Joe Biden autograph. Maybe.

Tommy Bahama Beach Loungers. Lying* is Biden’s one true skill and well practiced during his term in office.

Pardon-Me Do It Yourself Pardons. Hundreds of pre signed pardons leftover from Biden’s last week in office just waiting for you to fill in the name of a loved one.

Safe N Secure Border Fencing. Seems kind of hypocritical to endorse this, but the money was too good.

I.C.E. Cream. Methinks Biden did not get the joke when he agreed to endorse this brand.

Adderall. Ads will include select clips from the Biden/Trump 2020 debates, not 2024, and brief excerpts from a few speeches.

Hunter Biden’s Paint By The Numbers Kits. Fun for all ages. Since all the paintings are abstract, it really doesn’t matter what colors you use where. The kit includes gag price tag stickers for your finished art, starting at $100,000 and going up from there.

Burisma. No longer the President, Biden can now openly promote his son’s businesses.

Aussie Hair Spray. In ads, Biden will deliver the tag line, “Leaves a scent like no other. And I should know.”

At publishing time, Biden’s agent was seeking an endorsement opportunity for Ginkgo Biloba supplements but finding no interest.

“I don’t get it,” Biden’s agent said. “His memory would be much worse if he hadn’t been taking that stuff. No, really!”

*Or should this be laying? Nope, it’s lying.