Having disappeared from worship, and from hymnals because of its militaristic references, and because most “modern” churches don’t use hymnals, Onward Christian Soldiers was rescued from the dustbin of paternalism, and is now helping bring men back to the church.

“I got the idea from our new Secretary of War,” Pastor Tad Follower said. “After Pete Hegseth de-feminized the military, recruitment soared. So we thought we’d try it in church. Wow, it really paid off.”

Strategically making the early service the manly service, so men could get home for the early NFL game, this week’s hymns included A Mighty Fortress Is Our God, Stand Up, Stand Up, For Jesus, and The Battle Hymn Of The Republic.

“I love the smell of testosterone in the morning,” long-time organist Mable Moscowitz said, approvingly. “We had to blow the dust out of the organ pipes it’s been so long since we used it.”

One notable difference between the early and late services is the presence of baritones and bass voices.

“We realized that our worship songs are sung in a key too high for most of the men,” Moscowitz said. “I’m not sure some of the older men can even hear the frequency our worship leader sings in.”

While the return of hymns like A Mighty Fortress Is Our God pleased some, the worship band members were not happy with the change. Lake disputed the claim that the masculine hymns brought men back.

“Why would men rather sing about marching and war than a song like “I speak Jesus,” and “Goodness of God?” Worship Pastor Harmony Lake said in her Munchkin pitched voice.

Lake said something else about the songs she chooses being suited for men, but her voice set neighborhood dogs to barking and drowned her out.

When asked how she could explain the rapid growth of men attending worship, if not for the hymns, Lake pointed to the snack table.

“They started serving bacon with the Costco muffin wedges.”