President Trump was recently awarded the FIFA Peace Prize. Really! It’s a thing now. At the ceremony, Trump announced his support for the position that “football” is a better descriptor for soccer than, well, football.

“We need a different name for our football,” Trump declared.

After polling the meridian-street staff who were not napping (in fairness, we polled after lunch), here are our suggestions for a new name for Football.

Trump Ball – Obvious? We know. But Trump will think the name is “beautiful” and as the President said,”It will drive the fake news nuts. Actually, nutser.”

An Unpronounceable Symbol* – It worked for Prince, so we will soon refer to football as “The Sport Formerly Known As Football.” Kind of like referring to a team as “The team formerly known as the Washington Redskins.”

Oblong Ball – Quick, copyright this and buy up the domain name before Rugby thinks of it.

‘Murica Ball – This is the staff favorite (of those awake at the time).

Beer Ball – Intriguing, right? The game is just an excuse to drink beer, so think of the marketing money. “Bud Light Ball 2026?” “Modello Ball 2027?” “Meridian-street.com.lager Ball 2028?”**

Kick Ball – They kick 60 yard field goals regularly now, and with the new kickoff rules, teams only have to gain 15 or 20 yards before they are in field goal range, and is that what we want to see? Stinkin’ field goals? So let’s call a spade a spade! Aaargh!

CTE Ball – Helps players figure out that crashing into other behemoths over and over and over, may not be good for your brain. Also, limits liability since the problem is in the name.

Swift Ball – Fairly popular with the female members of the staff (all one of her). The name might refer to Taylor Swift, but might also just mean “fast” (wink, wink). So, no lawsuits over this either.

Socker – It’s not like soccer will need the name anymore. The “k” allows copyrighting.

Sprint Then Stop Ball – Not sexy, but descriptive.

Endzone Quest – Might bring in the gamer generation and Dungeons and Dragons fans, if any still alive.

Leave you suggestions for a new name for football in the comments section.

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*We tried getting A.I.to create a symbol like Prince’s but every one it created turned out to represent some sort of weird gender.

**We will be starting a microbrewery as soon as we figure out how to make beer. How hard could it be?