Gold prices spiked recently when updated plans for the new Big Beautiful Ballroom were released. An artist’s conception of the interior showed the walls, ceiling, chandeliers, and bathroom fixtures, covered in gold.

“They aren’t making anymore gold,” precious commodities broker Auric Goldfinger said. “While I share President Trump’s affinity for gold, even I think he overdoes it. Still, I love what he’s doing for the price of gold.”

Goldfinger serves as an informal advisor to Trump and is known for holding large reserves of gold. Recent rumors connected him with a plan to increase the value of gold that involved Fort Knox.

“Oh, that plan is on hold,” Goldfinger said. “At least through Trump’s term. Trust me. My word is my bond.”

Similarly, multi billionaire Reginald Midas expressed his appreciation both for Trump’s business acumen, as well as his eye for beauty.

“He certainly seems to have the golden touch,” Midas said.

Those designing the new Presidential ballroom, insist that there is no such thing as “excess” when it comes to gold.

Lumiere Tamotoa, a Lighting Designer for the Big Beautiful Ballroom project, explained the ubiquitous use of gold.

“It should be shiny” Tamotoa said. “Like a treasure from a sunken pirate wreck. Shiny! The room should sparkle like a wealthy woman’s neck. Shiny!”

At publication time there were rumors that Trump, Goldfinger, Midas and Tamotoa were were under double secret investigation for market manipulation by deep state loyalists leftover from the Biden Administration.